Why I Don’t Want To Forget What It’s Like To Struggle With Infertility

{An Inside Look At What I Have Learned From Our Infertility Journey}

Joe and I have struggled with infertility for several years. It was something that consumed many years of our life together. And now 3 kids later we have decided our journey with infertility is in the past, BUT I never want to forget, not for one second, everything we went through. All of the tears, the doctor visits, the medications and shots, the awkward conversations with family and friends, how I felt when I was staring down at another negative pregnancy test or how I felt when I seen another pregnancy announcement on social media. I know this probably sounds crazy, but, in some way, I try to remind myself of the fight we went through every day.

No one’s battle with infertility is easy. It requires a strength you didn’t know you had and may never comprehend. It requires perseverance and peace during the most difficult times. And it requires hope that one day everything you have been working and fighting towards will become a reality. But I consider our story to be an easy one. Easy in the whole realm of infertility, that is, and other’s fight with infertility. Though we have gone through many years of treatments, disappointment and tears, our results far outweighs the pain and, in a way, makes it that much sweeter.

But why? Why do I continue to relive the torture daily? Why would I ever want to put myself through that? Because I never want to forget where we started. Because even though our journey was extremely painful, in the end it brought us the 3 most beautiful things we love, adore and are proud of in life. And that makes reliving the suffering completely worth it. In addition I have learned some invaluable life lessons.

How To Get Through Difficult Times: Life is full of difficult seasons and how we conquer through is somewhat of a mystery. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a “how to” for every situation in life? Of course that would make life easy and dare I say, boring? Taking what I have learned during those tough times and applying it to future rough situations will perhaps give me hope for better days. Strength to make it to the next day. Composure when you feel like breaking down when your best friend announces she’s pregnant. Determination to acquire what you have always desired. Perseverance to keep going even in the face of adversity. And peace. Peace to give you freedom from everything that burdens you. Just know that you are not alone. And you can’t go through it alone. Take this time to build a stronger relationship with your spouse and grow a solid support system of family and friends. Communicate with those who care about you the most. They are there to love and support you.

Relatable: After being vocal on social media about our journey I still often get questions about it. At times when life is crazy hectic I find myself putting everything that we’ve gone through in the back corner of my mind. But when someone asks for advice or just needs comfort during their fight, I want to be able to quickly pull from that knowledge and experience to do whatever I can to help them. Let’s face it, life is busy and it’s easy to forget about past painful experiences when you’ve overcome them but I always want to recall those feelings I went through so I can relate to those who may need my comfort. And, honestly, quite often it’s hard to forget.

Appreciation: With anything in life that comes with strife also comes with a newfound appreciation. The years of struggle have lead me to a deep appreciation of motherhood and all that comes with it, including the bad days. Honestly, I sometimes question how I would be as a mother had I not gone through the pain and heartache. Not that I would have been a bad mother by any means, but perhaps I would have taken for granted the little things that I might not have realized how important they are now. When my daughter is throwing a tantrum because she doesn’t want to go to bed or the twins are extremely cranky because they are over-tired, I still appreciate these moments, as hard as it may be, because I get to live them. I GET to experience everything that comes with motherhood, all the good and the bad.

Compassion: I’ll admit, when I having a bad day I’m not myself. I do things and act in ways that are not in my nature. We all do, because no one is perfect. But when I come across another person who is having a bad day, I try not to judge. I have no idea what they are going through and what their story is. I have no idea if they had just looked at another negative pregnancy test or was just told they aren’t producing enough eggs or there were no embryos that developed after an egg retrieval or even far worse scenarios. I remember that pain because perhaps in the way that I do or say something could possibly just change that person’s day around even in the tiniest form.

Fortunate: I never want to forget how fortunate we are. We GET to love 3 beautiful children every day! How blessed are we! There are so many couples still waiting for this joy. There are so many couples that have gone through decades of waiting and treatments and misery with nothing to show for it. DECADES! There are even couples out there at have 1 child but desire more and have exhausted all of their options and may have given up hope. When I think about these people my heart breaks and my eyes flood. How/why did we get to be so lucky? Why us? I don’t know…but what I do know is that I can’t forget that. Believe it or not, parenthood is a GIFT that not all are given. How can I forget what we have been given when others go without, especially since I have lived through their agony.

When I look at my 3 beautiful, happy children every day it’s easy to forget the despair that infertility brings. But every day I think about what our lives would be without them and it’s a quick reminder of our journey. And though that difficult season has come and past in our lives it still lives on in our hearts. It’s really something you can never erase. And with good reason, I don’t ever want to erase it.

Much Love,
Carissa